“The way you get meaning in your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community and devote yourself to something that gives you purpose and meaning.”—Morrie Schwartz, Tuesdays With Morrie
In 1999, I was one of the gazillions who read Tuesdays With Morrie, Mitch Albom’s book about Morrie Schwartz, his favorite professor at Brandeis University who died of ALS. Reading about the disease was horrifying. It struck me as incomprehensibly cruel that the disease devastates the body completely, while leaving the mind completely clear to witness its destruction.
But the book is much more about living than dying, and provides a sort of instruction manual for our journey. In one chapter, Morrie returns from his dear friend Irv’s funeral service saying: “What a waste. All those people saying all those wonderful things, and Irv never got to hear any of it.” Morrie wants to hear it — he throws his own memorial service.
It’s too bad Morrie didn’t have a friend like Roberto.
We met Roberto Vargas in 2008 while attending our first Berrett-Koehler authors retreat in New Mexico. We were drawn to him instantly. He presided over beautiful opening and closing ceremonies and contributed a quiet, grounded presence throughout the weekend. We had deep conversations, and at the end of the retreat, he gave us one of his “talking sticks.” In his tradition, the person with the talking stick gets full attention. If you don’t have the stick, you listen closely to the person who does. It's always been on prominent display in our home. Our friendship ripened as we attended retreats together over the years.
Roberto, who lives in California and is the author of Family Activism, called us in January. He had work scheduled in Tucson in early February. Would we be interested in having him convene an “Honoring Ceremony” for Jamie? Yes! Yes!! A thousand times YES!
We had to organize quickly. By happy coincidence, Jamie’s nephew, Stamos, and his girlfriend, Maya, had planned a visit that weekend. Two long-time friends, Dick and Emily Axelrod, would also be in town. We arranged for Zak to come from Boston and Jeanine from Los Angeles. My sisters Kathy and Laura attended, along with many dear friends from our diverse communities. We rigged up a Skype session so that Jamie’s sister, Jan, could listen in from Greece. Sonnet and Skyler couldn’t be here, so they wrote tributes to be read and sent items for the “inspiration table,” which was covered with talismans and artifacts representing people's relationships with Jamie. The only imperfection was that lack of time and limited space meant we couldn’t include, and be physically surrounded by, ALL the people we love. We held them in our hearts.
On Jan. 31, we created a large circle in the social room of our condominium. Roberto and his beautiful wife, Rebecca, used sage smoke and a feather for a private spiritual cleansing with Jamie and me, and then we joined the large group. With Roberto as our guide, the ceremony began.
All those wonderful things people say about people after they die? Jamie got to hear them. He listened to the kinds of stories people tell at memorial services. Many brought us to tears, and just as many made us laugh out loud. We listened to friends from every facet of our lives describe how Jamie’s life had made a positive difference in theirs. We were immersed in joy and love, of course, but also something deeper and more profound. A sparkling, charged energy that exists within us, connects us, and extends outward to places we can neither see nor comprehend.
In truth, that connection has become brighter and more continually present since Jamie’s diagnosis in June. The Honoring Ceremony was rich and cherished, and a day doesn’t pass that Jamie or I don’t receive a phone call, a note, a message or a thoughtful gesture that reminds us we are loved and held. We are discovering, as Morrie Schwartz did, that when we are awake to the gifts and graces that accompany dying, we are truly living.
Our lives matter, our communities hold us, and love infuses both with meaning and purpose. We won’t take that for granted. We hope you won’t either.
Love,
Maren & Jamie