We met when we were 12, and through teenage angst, volatile relationships, two marriages (each) and decades of housing each other's confidences, we seemed to be through.
Radio silence. The rift we didn't think was possible began after my third marriage and continued for years. Then one day my phone rang, her name in my caller ID. I answered.
Both of us wanted to mend our relationship, but I knew I didn't want to return to the relationship we had before. I wanted to renegotiate, and happily, she was willing. After several weeks of intense, emotional conversations we were back on track and have been ever since. I'm grateful.
Constancy and consistency are rare in relationships, whether at work, in families or among friends. As we grow and change, it makes sense that some relationships no longer fit so well, like that pair of too-tight jeans. Letting go of those that no longer serve us could be the answer. But when we want or need relationships, renegotiating boundaries or ground rules can be a way to save them.
At work, for instance, you may not have the option of abandoning a relationship that isn’t working well. In families or friendships, history and love might keep you bound, but you long to shift the ways you relate. A conversation of renewal can help.
Here is an outline of the conversation I had with my friend. In ourhistory, I had often been indirect — or even untruthful — and put my needs aside in favor of hers. The trust we once shared was eroded.
If you choose to have this kind of conversation, authentically choosing goodwill and connection is foundational. If you feel things heating up, agree to take a break so you both can refocus on your connection and your intention for the relationship.
Be clear about the purpose of the conversation: “I want to talk with you about some difficulties (or changes I’d like to see) in our relationship. Are you willing?”
Name the issue: “My experience is we don’t feel comfortable telling each other the truth.”
Ask for their views of the issue and your contribution: “How do you see the situation? What have I contributed to the lack of trust between us?”
Extend understanding and own your contribution: “You’re right. I haven’t always been honest for fear of making you angry or losing the relationship. In addition, sometimes I have told you one thing, and then talked to others about how I really feel.”
Frame choices about how to proceed: “The way I see it, we can continue this way or make conscious changes to create trust in our relationship. That’s what I would like. What choices do you see?”
State your intention to make it work: “I am committing to tell you the truth as I see it, and to hear the truth from you without getting defensive or combative.”
Ask for agreement and commitment: “Are you willing to make a similar commitment? Are there other commitments you see we should be making here?”
Talk about future steps or another conversation: “My intention is to start changing today. But I’d like to keep this conversation going. How would you like to proceed?
Factor in feedback: If you see me slipping back in to old habits and patterns, I'd like you to call me out on that. How would you like me to give you feedback?
Forgiveness and letting go of the past are essential. And don't expect major changes overnight, especially if you have a long history, But a conversation like this can be a great start for living out your intentions authentically. It will create relationships you can believe in with the people who are important to you.